


black void

by ralf



Series: Close to Canon [40]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e20 City of Glass, or rather just very very little comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-19 17:31:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19137379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: Cat takes a deep breath, blinking rapidly, and seeing her fighting tears hits deeper, rings truer than hearing her relay the devastating news in words.[Set between 3x20 and 3x21. Alec learns that Magnus has to stay in Edom.]





	black void

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bohemian (Linguam)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linguam/gifts).



> Between the airing of the 3x21 Sneak Peeks and 3x21 the following exchange occured:  
> Bohemian: From where did they get their information, regarding Magnus having to stay in Edom?? (And also, can we please have the scene where Alec learns of this (because apparently I need more heartbreak in my life)?)  
> ralf: if we don't see the scene where alec learns this i might try and write you one haha.  
> Bohemian: No joke I will hold you to that so you better be prepared to deliver because it's 50/50 with the show doing it.
> 
> We all know how the story goes, the show didn't deliver. And since I'm a woman of my word, here it is. Hope you like it, Boheeeeeeemian XD <3<3<3  
> This is not _reallllly_ compliant with how Alec behaves in 3x21 but since I'm low-key ignoring Canon after 3x20 anyway I don't really care ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

There are words coming out of Catarina's mouth but they're not making any sense.

Alec is pretty sure it isn't even due to the fact that he's been awake for more than thirty-six hours and spent at least fifteen of them battling the remaining wraith demons attacking Alicante until the Clave deemed the situation contained enough to send all external Shadowhunters back to their Insitutes. He has been running on fumes and wakefulness runes for what feels like forever, but once he set foot back in New York rest was the furthest thing from his mind. He went straight to Magnus's loft because if he was going to find information on how to establish a pathway between Edom and Earth it sure wasn't going to be in a Clave sanctioned book.

He has no idea how long he'd been at it, poring over dusty tomes and reactivating his clarity and endurance runes, when the sound of a portal shook him out of his daze. For one foolish moment his heart had hoped it was Magnus, the familiar swoosh of portal magic too closely associated with Magnus appearing and brightening his day and his life for reason to catch up.

It wasn't him, of course, but Catarina. She must have heard what happened, exhaustion edged deeply into her features. Guilt flooded Alec at the sight of her. The thought to inform Magnus's oldest remaining friend of what had happened to him hadn't even crossed his mind.

But all that was washed away when she met his tentative question, if she was there to help him go over the books, with nothing but a somber look before starting on a halting and long-winded explanation that melted down to _Magnus isn't coming back_.

Alec shakes his head. “There must be some kind of misunderstanding. Because what you're saying sounds like--” He can't even bring himself to say it.

Cat watches him with his pain reflected back at him in her eyes. “It's not a misunderstanding.”

Alec shakes his head again. “No. No. It's--”

“Alec...”

“ _No.”_

He refuses. This is not reality, this _can't_ be reality. He didn't lose and regain _and lose_ everything in a few short days. This can't be the end of it. There has to be a way.

Cat's gaze darts to his hands, to the ring he can't stop fiddling with.

“Alec, believe me, I understand your loss--”

“ _No.”_ It's not an objection to her sentiment, it's denial that the sentiment is warranted. “No. There has to be a way to get him back.”

“There isn't.” Alec shakes his head again but Cat continues. “When Isabelle called me and told me about-.. I was as upset as you. I demanded to see her memories.”

Cat takes a deep breath, blinking rapidly, and seeing her fighting tears hits deeper, rings truer than hearing her relay the devastating news in words.

“The rift is too powerful to be closed permanently. Magnus knew this. He's on the other side, keeping it closed. And he can't leave.” Cat takes another deep breath before soldiering on. “He knew there was no going back, not this time.”

“No,” Alec gasps, and suddenly he's choking and there are tears running down his face. “He can't be gone. I-- No. That's not true.”

Catarina closes her eyes and when she opens them again they're full of steel and determination. “I know I'm asking you for a lot but you need to face this truth. You saw it yourself.”

He did. The memory is seared into his mind: Magnus against the backdrop of Alicante burning, his brow furrowed and his lips pressed tightly together, heartbreak in his beautiful eyes as he shakes his head impalpably before pulling himself together, before giving them one last smile, before vanishing through that portal to save all of their lives.

Alec knew what it meant in that moment, and no matter how much he tries to push it away the knowledge resonates in his hollow chest and his empty heart.

Magnus isn't coming back.

He's lost him. Forever.

He can't place the anguished, broken sounds at first. It's only when Catarina's hand settles heavily on his shoulder that he realizes they're coming from him. He hides his face in his hands unable to feel anything but the crushing pain that's eating him alive.

“That's alright,” Cat soothes, a distant voice in his ears. “Let it out.”

It takes him a few minutes to overpower his rampaging emotions and push them down. There's no time for this. Weeping won't help Magnus, and he'll be damned if he fails him, after everything Magnus sacrificed for him.

He scrubs his cheeks roughly before making himself meet Catarina's eyes with a composedness he doesn't feel. “Thanks for checking in with me. But.. I'd like to be alone now.”

“Of course,” she relents easily. She pauses before adding, “Will you be alright on your own?”

“Yeah,” Alec says because it's what Catarina needs to hear before she leaves, even though it couldn't be farther from the truth. Even though, as Alec realizes in this moment with more clarity than ever, he won't ever be alright again without Magnus.

“Rest,” Cat orders him gently. “It's okay to need time.”

Alec gives a shrug and a tight smile that feels more like a grimace but is the best he can offer right now. Cat squeezes his shoulder before she turns to go with one last concerned glance.

He grants himself five labored breaths after her departure before he retrieves his stele and activates his wakefulness rune once more. At this point the effect is barely noticeable but Alec pushes through his body's resistance relentlessly. He can sleep when Magnus is back.

Turning the page with shaking fingers, physical and emotional fatigue making his head throb, his vision swimming in and out of focus he forces himself to stare at the tiny script anyway.

He's going to find a way to bring Magnus back if it's the last thing he does.

 


End file.
